Gen compiles further proof that the 5k is not her distance

I'm writing tonight from the depths of suckatude.  I'm watching DVR'ed episodes of Glee (totally in love with neil Patrick Harris, btw), I'm preparing to eat cookies and cream ice cream, and I'm generally wallowing in my extremely shitty performance in today's Skirt Chaser 5k.  It had the potential to be an excellent race, but the course was challenging - the first 1.5 miles was like straight up hill - and I don't know, I just couldn't suck it up.  I felt like I couldn't breath, I just couldn't push through it somehow.  And it seems like this is what happens lately.  This was even worse than my last 5k, and by all indications it should have been much better.  I can pull out a 9 minute mile fairly handily in my speedwork, but I felt like I couldn't even hit that with the hills.  And I do run hills. I don't know.  I think I just keep psyching myself out or something, like I really am my own worst enemy when it comes to races.  And why?  I have no idea.  I've done labor 3 times without drugs and I can't muster it up for a sub-30 minute 5k finish.  Yes, Charlie's only 3 months old this coming week.  Yes, I need to give it some time.  But damn it, I'm frustrated and more than a little disappointed in myself.

The race itself is a pretty cute concept, and I got a pretty cute running skirt as part of my swag (and I look pretty cute in it, which is nice).  It was out at Heartwood Acres and unfortunately, it *poured* down rain before the race and turned the parking area on the grass into an absolute swamp.  The race was postponed for 15 minutes because of lightning.  It might actually have been more motivating if the torrential downpour had continued through the race, but it didn't.  They played The Beastie Boys' "Girls" as the women took off at the start (the women got a 3 minute head start and the guys had to "chase" us, it was pretty cute) and the first like tenth of a mile seemed promising.  Then we started going up hill.  And up.  And up.  And even more up.  It was relentless.  And then when we hit the top, and went down a little, there was more up.  And a little more.  There was some downhill again, too, but by then I felt so demoralized and so behind my goal time, I think I just let it get to me.  Every hill felt like a kick in the face, like a "you suck" from the course, and I just rolled over and took it instead of fighting it.

So what do I do?  How do I get past this?  I'm afraid I'm going down the path of self doubt and performance anxiety and I'm too much a prisoner of the elements and the course.  I feel like maybe I get lucky every now and again and pull out a good race, but overall I'm just a back of the pack runner, and maybe I always will be.  I'm not quite ready to be ok with that, so I guess I'll keep on fighting it.  Next up: the Father's Day 10k, which I'll run with Haakan beside me to pace me.  We'll see if that goes any better than the last two 5k's have.