Resurrecting the blog, and another runiversary

I've been bad. Been neglecting my poor little blog here, when I really shouldn't have. But as I vow to become a better runner, I'm also going to try to be a little more kind of my blog and not leave it to languish quite so much. Poor little blog, I hope I can make it up to you.

In the past year, I've done a whole lot of running, a good portion of it while pregnant. Yup, I've got a 2 month old baby boy to keep my older two boys company, and I ran through most of my pregnancy, and even did four races (two 5k's (one a pr) and two 10k's). Running while pregnant was an interesting experience. You have to reevaluate your goals so much, it's mentally hard to get your head around. Rather than building speed, you're working on just getting out there some days and just trying to maintain and not lose too much strength and endurance. And then you have to take time off afterwards, which is just plain hard because it's hard to sit still. And when you get back to it, it's hard to be so far from where you used to be. It feels like you've taken all these steps backwards and are rebuilding from scratch, but with this distant vision of what you used to be able to do. It's like coming back from a major injury, I'd imagine, though obviously it's nice to have a new baby to cuddle up to.

I went back to running when Charlie was about 3 weeks old, and now, with him turning 2 months old today, I'm preparing to run the Race for the Cure tomorrow, the first race I ever ran. My hubby and I went to the track on Thursday to do some speedwork as part of my plan to train for the Columbus marathon in October (yes, I think I am insane, but more on that later), and based on that, he thinks I could be racing faster than I am. So I get ready to do this race with a lot of anxiety hanging over me. For one thing, it's freaking cold out there, and the idea of getting up early and standing around in the cold and rain before the race just does not appeal to me. And second, I'm afraid of setting out at the paces he recommends, and just crashing and burning for being too ambitious on the hills. I'm still feeling my way back into things, I'm feeling like pushing for speed is something that's just so far beyond me, and I'm afraid of failing at it and disappointing everyone, especially myself. Last year's Race for the Cure was not all that great, and I feel like it's hanging over me. I've been having some issues with my feet that I am also afraid are going to slow me down (as a side note, I am officially in love with my podiatrist - man taped and padded up my feet and it did WONDERS. Unfortunately, the tape and padding are all gone now, so who knows how tomorrow will go).

I need to get better at pushing myself, I think. I need to mentally toughen up. I've done childbirth without drugs three times now (though the marathon I did last January actually took me longer to complete than my last labor took!), I made it through a death march of a marathon, and I routinely have to do things I don't want to do. Why can't I push myself through races? What makes me pull back, or stop and walk, or just not want to do it? Why can't I just suck it up like I need to? I guess that's the question I have to work on answering as I work more on my speed and endurance and try to surpass where I was before. I never realized just how mental running was until I started doing more of it. I never thought I would think that my mental game is the weak link, rather than my abs or quads or whatever.